Why Twitter Thinks England Are Shit

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In case you missed it, England are out of the World Cup before the group stage is even over.

We’ve been on that familiar journey: Resignation, followed by slight hope, then genuine belief, before retreating back into slight hope, then shrinking back to resignation when the reality of our international ineptitude is, once again, confirmed.

But WHY are England always basically useless?

Rooney, Chiles, Hodgson

In Rooney, England have their perennial tournament talisgoat (that’s a talisman, and a scapegoat, all at once. Obviously).

In Adrian Chiles et al, we’ve got the eminently-slappable faces of a hype-addicted media machine.

Then there’s Roy, who’s vocicultural weaknesses and curiously strigine features all too often make him an easy target in times of inevitable disappointment.

I may have a go at an in-depth analysis of the English football malaise; an attempt to untangle the messy web of forces at play; a survey of the British socio-cultural landscape, a critique of the FA’s institutional failings, and a tactical take-down of the way we play the game. But in the mean time, here’s why Twitter thinks England are shit…

They’re All Idiots

To put that another way: You know nothing, John Stones.

It’s the Scousers’ Fault

I’m a fan of this theory, for obvious reasons.

It’s All These Bloody Foreigners

A popular line of reasoning, this one, but I’m not convinced.

It’s Those Posh Twats at the FA

By jove, they’ve got a point!

The Players Sold Their Souls and Paid the Price

Well said! Those adverts are more than just annoying – they’re basically the work of the devil.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to wash my hair with carcinogenic coal tar and gorge on salty mass-produced food. Eat Fresh ™.